Have you ever said yes to something and then later regretted it?

Well that is exactly how I felt, let me explain. 

My Friend asked me to accompany her to a ladies conference, where she had been asked to be one of the speakers.  She told me the topic she would be covering and asked if I would give testimony on how it affected me in my life. In support, I agreed. However, the week before the date, I started preparing and thinking about what I would say. That’s when, what I had actually agreed to, sunk in. Dread washed over me, so I decided to just ignore the topic and push it to the back of my mind.

Fast forward to Saturday morning…

I woke up with an uneasiness seeping into my heart, how was I going to do this? You see I have given my testimony many times, being vulnerable, so that others can find some truth. However, in telling my story I briefly touched on my childhood abuse and quickly shifted to the substance abuse. Continuing onto the dark days, going to Pakistan to bring heroin back to South Africa. Then how God turned an Airplane around to bring me safely back home.  Following on with how I joined Reach For Life No Regrets up to where I am in my life today. Now that story, I was comfortable telling, to a degree.

But the topic that Margaret was going to speak about, Childhood abuse, focusing on the long term, medical consequences of this abuse. Well, that topic, I did not want to give testimony about! So, there I sat, regretting my hasty ‘YES’. Trying to build up the courage to go through with this. Bravely planning the points, I was going to mention, I tried to decide just how vulnerable I was going to be.

An icy fear gripped me.

This was too uncomfortable; besides why do I have to go into this? NO, I was just going to send her a message and say “Sorry but I cannot go through with this, it is just too uncomfortable to talk about.” She would understand, right? Besides I had to protect myself. This was just too raw to speak about, considering how I have avoided the topic for many years.

Taking a deep breath, I decided to read through the speech Margaret had prepared, which she had emailed to me. As I read, I began realizing how many of the long-term consequences, from childhood abuse, I actually experience. Also, how some of the after effects had affected me, most of my life. I paused, thinking, how many people have been through this unspeakable horror and just quietly have kept the ghosts all tucked away in the dark dungeons of memory. The shame that they may have been carrying and the consequences that they maybe unknowingly carried around, simply not understanding where they originated from. As I continued reading her report, I felt the gentle tug from deep within, there was a reason I had to speak. A truth that needed to be heard. But Shoo, how hard, this was going to be.

A dance of Sadness and Courage.

If I am very honest, just writing about this brings tears, makes me sad, and takes A Lot of courage.

Back to Saturday… Feeling overwhelmed and wanting to simply run away, I went to my mom and asked her to pray with me. To give me strength to go and face the pink elephant, no one wants to talk about. She first reacted as most mom’s would, in a protective anger. “Why must you do this?” ” Why do you have to speak about the past if it hurts you?”

I tearfully replied, “Mommy, how many women carry this kind of hurt? Not wanting to talk about it. Having actual physical, emotional and mental, medically explainable consequences and not understanding them. Feeling confusion, that there is something wrong with them. Feeling like broken adults. Maybe they need to hear that there are medical consequences caused by abuse. They can then understand them and make peace with these quirks. They need to know that they can live in victory. How they going to hear that, if no one is willing to talk about it? So, you see, mommy, I have to do this.”

She wrapped her arms around me and prayed. She asked God to give me peace, and the courage to speak. And that even though this was incredibly hard to do, that He would use it to bring a healing truth to all at the conference. 

(May I just say here, I have such a special mom. This was surely not easy for her to pray, I was so encouraged by it, it gave me strength to know that she could put all her feelings about this aside and pray for me. That is love!)

Within the silence…

Arriving, I was so nervous, this topic so painful even though I have been for counselling, and have worked through many of the hard emotions. My scars still show, it remains a very hard topic to talk about.

As Margaret spoke, I felt the atmosphere in the room become very serious, ladies wondering where this was going. Seeing the expressions on their faces as she gave the facts and then courageously went on to her own testimony. And during this I was getting more and more anxious, to be truthful.

As Margaret concluded, silence hung in the air, like a fog, the reality of the very heavy topic sinking in. I could see the women thinking about either their own abuse held in secret. Or the abuse of someone they loved or knew of. Wrapping their minds around the facts and trying to make sense of all they had just heard.

Scars on display.

Now it was my turn. I started with a nervous humor, just to break the heaviness and prepare them for the next round of information. Holding onto my piece of paper, like a security blanket, my mind racing, trying to figure out how much of my story I would tell them. As I sit writing this now, I can’t remember everything I spoke about, but I do remember feeling so vulnerable, almost naked, my very deep inner hurts on display. With much courage I spoke my truth. There were a few times I had to pause to catch my breath, pain knocking the air out of me.

My finishing statement went something like this. Yes, I had been broken, a victim of unfair abuse. However, through God’s love and having people to support me, I have gone from broken to a Masterpiece. All my flaws, quirks and scars making me who I am today, Victorious!

Trembling, I finished with a prayer. It was over, I did it!

Nuggets of truth from my notes.

They say you are a product of your exposure, and with this statement I agree, and disagree. Yes, there are certain things that will be part of you forever, but there are parts that can heal and you can overcome.

Here are some of the long-term consequences that can come from childhood abuse we may not have realized.

Boundaries:

It’s hard to have boundaries as an adult of childhood abuse. The reason for this is that you never had boundaries as a child, you never even understood boundaries. You were not given the opportunity to create boundaries. And even if you tried to have them, they were violated. Which left you with a distorted view on how to set boundaries. This in turn leads to a cycle of ongoing abuse as an adult, as you don’t learn how to say ‘No’. Instead you may spend your life running around trying to keep everyone happy. This can lead to wrong thinking, i.e. “this is just how my life has to be, I have no control over my life”. But this is not the case! You can say ‘No’ and it is in fact healthy to have good boundaries. For you and those around you.

A scary thought though, is that if you do not deal with your past abuse, it could lead to a continuation of the cycle of abuse, from one generation to another.

Faith:

Now this was a big one for me! To see God as a Father, was very hard. For many years when people said that God loved me as a father, I was like, no thank you, I don’t like fathers! I never understood how to see God as a father, because in my life, fathers, had caused me too much pain. But with time and teaching, God patiently taught me how He is the perfect Father, not a reflection of an earthly father.

Trying to understand forgiveness as a child, that’s a hard one. And this lack of understanding forgiveness is carried into adulthood. The big question I always had was, if God loved me so much, then why did He allow this hurt and pain? Why did He not come down and rescue me? I mean His Word says “bring the little children to Me.” This led to me carrying a lot of anger towards God and people in general. Not understanding, that man has free will. I later understood that unfortunately as sad and unfair as it was, I had suffered by the hand of man, not God.

Self-worth and forgiveness:

You do not matter!

That’s a tough one to overcome, because broken children carry a sense of not being good enough all the way into adulthood. As adults these self-worth issues run very deep and can take years to overcome. But that’s just it, you can overcome it. And yes, there may be parts of yourself that you may never like, and that’s OK. Remember this, in your brokenness, there is a beautiful strength. You can and will get to a place where you can love who you are. Where it is OK to show the world your true colors, and let your light shine out!

Learning to forgive those who hurt you. Another tough one. An almost impossible one, to be very honest! I learnt this, forgiveness doesn’t make it right, or any less unfair. It does not let them ‘off’ the hook or pardon what they have done. No! It actually sets you free! It breaks the heavy chains of the past that constantly pull you down. Those that secretly hold you prisoner in a pit of anger, hatred, pity and self-destruction. The ones dragging you away from all that you could be. Forgiveness, not only of them, but you too, leads to freedom. No, it is NOT easy. But my friend, once done, what a relief! Free to be all that you dream to be!

Health:

I have had a battle with my weight, for many years. As a child I thought if I got fat, maybe he would leave me alone, he didn’t. All it did was led to more mental and emotional abuse.  An avenue to be told how fat and ugly I was. Hearing those words, often, led to a disability. A disability to see me, through true eyes. So as an adult you never truly get to see yourself through the eyes of others. Instead you always have a tainted view. Subconsciously never escaping that!

Some other health ailments I discovered was that due to our brains trying to cope with the trauma, it forced damage to other parts of the body.  Let me explain, as we grow and develop and the body endures trauma it has a ripple effect. The brain has an emotion center called the Amygdala, which when exposed to stress and threat automatically activates a fight, flight or freeze response. This then kick starts the release of the stress hormone.

Interestingly due to the adrenaline needing extra energy it simply steals it from the digestive system and frontal lobe processing. So now all my issues I have had with my stomach, made sense! The damage to the frontal lobes is intense too. Some problems could be; ADHD, cognitive dysfunction, impulsive behavior, impaired memory, problem solving, judgment and emotional dysregulation. Just to name a few… I have a new peace, for now many of my irritating, misunderstood ‘issues’, the ones I battled to accept. Well now they make sense. This in turn has led me to a new found appreciation and forgiveness for myself and my body!

After effects:

Some effects though are lifelong, carried by a broken mind. Certain smells trigger a tidal wave of unwanted, haunting memories and feelings. So, I do my best to completely avoid them, in doing so, I am simply being kind to myself. People have unknowing behaviors that can bring me a fear so intense that I freeze, slowly exhale, searching for an escape. 

Stranger’s, even friend’s, body language can often be misinterpreted by me, leaving me with a confusing uncertainty. A, what’s coming next?… kind of response.

There are a few other little things, that to you may be small, but to me are huge. One of which is if curtains aren’t closed properly. This taunts me, with an unseen terror of danger. Starting in my mind, the paranoia oozes its way down my body and actually leaves me with an almost tangible, physical pain created by fear. This is very unpleasant, and no matter how much I tell myself, everything is ok, it’s not! I just cannot shake the feeling of ever watching, evil eyes, waiting and wanting to hurt me. Needless to say, I make sure that my curtains are closed tight, no little open cracks, and then I feel safe and secure for the night! 

So, there is a truth to the statement ” You are a product of your exposure”, that unfortunately you cannot outrun. And yes, you can deal with many things and seek counseling. But ultimately either you learn to go easy on yourself and make peace with all your effects. Or these quirks, if not understood, will drive you into an insane isolation.

Victory:

Now it may seem all doom and gloom, but there is victory. I am living proof. And yes, it has taken me years to reach this point, but I am content. I am making peace with my many flaws, and learning to accept those things which I may never overcome. And yes as ‘broken’ as I may be, I bring value.

Through prayer, support, encouragement, family and true friends, I am loved and I deeply love others. By Grace and unfailing Love, God took all my broken pieces and created a Masterpiece! He walks with me, always by my side, patiently and gently filling me with His light. So here I now stand, shinning out my light as best as I know how. Trusting that God will keep me safe and take me from strength to strength.

In closing

There are so many broken people out there that need to be told just how special they are, and what a beauty they carry.

So, let me tell you now, no matter what you have been through, you are special! And yes, you may have brokenness but You are a masterpiece, and your light is uniquely beautiful, don’t you ever forget that!!

My wish for you… Please press play 😉